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  • Darragh Clayton

Raising a Heterosexual: How to Ensure Your Child Steers Clear From Being Queer

Author: Darragh Clayton

Note: satirical content.


With modern society becoming increasingly accepting and open-minded, it is getting difficult to stay true to your conservative beliefs. We are here to help you stop your kids from becoming influenced by homosexuality. Who better to offer advice on this topic than members of the LGBTQ+ community themselves? Despite society’s best efforts to keep us straight, we followed our own paths to love and happiness — and queerness. This is why we have created a simple, easy-to-use guide targeted at homophobic parents that considers their philosophies on how a person “turns” gay. So parents, stick to these steps to help ensure a heterosexual lifestyle for your entire family!

Step 1: Start Them Young

It’s never too early to teach your child about your views on love, and it starts with play. Be weary of what toys you are buying for your child, as well as what toys they are using at daycare or school. Check with your local childcare centres to ensure there are strict rules about which toys boys and girls are allowed to play with. For example, if your son plays with dolls it could result in homosexuality as well as a compassionate and caring nature and knowledge of how to care for a baby. We wouldn’t want that, now would we? As for girls, they should stick to dolls, Barbies, ponies, toy kitchens, and princesses, while avoiding masculine toys such as dump trucks, cars, or superheroes. You can also set your child straight by dressing them in stereotypically gendered clothing, ensuring your boys sport blue or green and your girls flaunt pink elegance. This will help your child avoid confusion and teach them about the role they will one day play in a relationship.

Step 2: Beware of Netflix

It may seem like a harmless method of streaming shows and movies, but it can actually be quite the opposite. In fact, Netflix now features an entire catalogue of queer content, so it may be best to stay away from the platform entirely. Some works in particular to watch out for are The Fosters, a show whose main family includes lesbian moms, Sex Education (for obvious reasons), The Prom, about two young girls who go to the dance as a couple, and anything that includes the word “drag” in the title. It’s not only Netflix, other streaming channels are home to risky media such as Euphoria and Love, Simon. It is best to keep track of what your child is watching and research everything meticulously for safety purposes. After all, how can someone be gay if they don’t even know it’s an option? Of course, allowing your child to see these types of relationships would create a safe and supportive home environment, but not without risk.

Step 3: Change the Station

You may not realize the effect music can have on your child, but it is likely a big influence in their life. The mainstream radio stations these days are playing almost anything. Luckily there are now entire radio stations that play only Christian music, which makes your job easier. Some major red flag artists include Hayley Kiyoko, Kehlani, Lady Gaga, Lil Nas X, and Demi Lovato. They have all admitted to being part of the LGBTQ+ community and written suggestive songs that should be kept away from malleable young ears. It is difficult to control what music your kids listen to at all times, especially when they aren’t home. However, surrounding them with your preferred music choice will send them the right message. The earlier in life you begin enjoying censored music together, the better. One straight option is country music, which typically features the objectification of women by men and heterosexual love stories. Or, on family car rides, pop a contemporary Christian Rock CD in the player and your children won’t even know the difference!

Step 4: Take Them To Church

This is an essential step in ensuring your children are raised with the right ideals. As they say, “pray the gay away.” Although the Bible may not explicitly say anything about homosexuality being wrong and it may have just been misinterpreted centuries ago, it has long since been twisted into that narrative. There are some churches that have selected to welcome and accept everyone, loving thy neighbour as God intended, so make sure you check that your church is right for you. Attending church regularly is a nearly foolproof plan to help eradicate any unwanted feelings about love and can train your child by making them feel guilt and shame.

Follow these simple steps and you will lower the chances of any homosexuality within your family. Good luck, but remember there is always still a chance, so don’t blame yourself if your child doesn’t turn out how you envisioned. You can do you best to prevent homosexuality but it is never guaranteed, so do your best to love your children despite their imperfections.

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